I experienced a big joy-filled moment with my partner recently.

We were in downtown Medford, Oregon trying to get lunch, but the place we stopped at was closed.

Callista pulled off to park on a side road. She looked over and saw an angel wing mural.

It’s a painting we’ve spotted countless times before, with us both expressing the desire to get pictures in front of it on several occasions.

“I’d love to get a photo before we move,” she said looking at the mural, “but you’re probably tired and it’s not a big deal…”

“Let’s do it!” I exclaimed, putting my hand on the door, “let’s just go,” I affirmed smiling.

“Ok!” And we jumped out of the car and skipped across the street to take fun pictures. She looked absolutely beautiful channeling her goddess energy.

Then it was my turn.

I immediately felt my performing experience kick in. I love the spotlight. The camera finds my best side. I was having a blast working it.

We got our pictures and drove to get lunch elsewhere, giggling and excited about the spontaneous joy we just gave ourselves.

Later, at home, I looked at the photos. I was so excited to see hers. But then I saw mine.

“I look like that,” spiraled into a storm of self put downs.

On my phone, I pulled up the last photo I took in front of a mural to compare to 2018 me. “I hate how my body has changed.”

Yeah, yeah. I’m SUPPOSED to feel body positive but I felt completely disconnected from the image. It reminded me how much I have used numbness as a tool of surviving the pandemic, poverty, and uterus pain.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I have kinder eyes with time.

--

Forty-eight hours later, I wanted to look at the photo again. When I said I have kinder eyes with time, I meant YEARS.

But I have worked to change the ingrained narratives my brain conjures in quicker and quicker succession.

Still, I worried that the two-day-old version of myself had not yet gained the compassion of my present self. I braced for emotional impact and looked again.

I think we hide from photos because of the initial shame-filled and fueled reaction that says, “I want my body to be different than it is.” But when you find the way back to a feeling of self compassion, you can also feel acceptance and inspiration.

Unfortunately, it’s much easier to accept a past version of ourselves. We can’t do anything to change them.

But we often view our present selves as unfinished projects, laying in the basement collecting dust and regret with each overburdened day we experience. I know I do.

I tend to dwell on all that I haven’t done yet and need to do, over emphasizing the endless future tasks while failing to appreciate what I've done.

But when I looked again at the photo, I saw how far I have come.

I saw all of me. I heard the shame voice trying to convince me otherwise, but the vision of my grit, perseverance, strength, audacity was so much stronger.

I am SO MUCH MORE than my body, and it is beautiful.

Now, I see a human living their most intentional life, steadfast in their determination to love being here.

My body doesn’t reflect what I want right now. But frankly, that’s none of my business. It’s simply not the most important thing I have going on, and I refuse to pretend that it is.

Letting go of hating my body for getting bigger has been fundamental to healing my relationship with my body.

I could not have healed and gotten thin. At that point in my life, I chose healing.

In doing so, my physical goals now reflect my desire to love the experience of life, so my approach to change must allow me to love the experience of life too.

Part of what I want is to lose weight. I find it hilarious and frustrating how difficult it is to admit this bit of plain humanness to the internet. One party will judge me for losing weight and another will judge me for staying fat.

What if it ain’t about what other people want for me??!!

Our culture brainwashed my younger self into thinking I was undesirable, unwanted, unlovable. And I developed an eating disorder trying to assimilate.

Now, I don’t want to conform. I also learned that our culture’s obsession with thinness is rooted in racism, just like gender roles.

But I do want to be a beef cake thaddy 😉 

That’s my own internal authentic expression and I want to see my outside match.

There’s a grand canyon of a difference between making choices to flirt with my desire, and hating myself thin to assimilate into our toxic culture, a practice of which I am deeply empathetic but find f***ing boring.

It’s taken me a long time to build this castle of nuance around What Works For Me. But I think that’s what we all must do.

We can’t decide for anyone else and we shouldn’t try.

Yet it is deeply self loving to know what aligns with my being and embrace the path of realizing that alignment mentally, spiritually, and physically.

I’ve done so much healing. And fatphobia still lives inside me.

If I am unlearning this and have been for decades, there must be infinite things (across countless intersections) for me to unlearn.

Like hating this photo because my body has changed.

I’m sorry, me. I hope you can forgive me for what I said about you. You didn’t deserve that. I love you. I see how infinite you are.

You’re doing great, sweetie ❤️

What I’m Working On This Month

I’ve moved to Portland, Oregon! Woohoo! It’s a big, welcome change and I’m enjoying living in a queer-centric place for the first time.

Creative Goals Check-In

My goals last month were to

• Go Back to School for Summer ✅
• Continue to Rest & Rely On Support ⚠️

Admittedly, moving was more physical than I expected. However, my naivety was essential for pushing through. I did nothing but lay in bed the two days after.

And having done something so physical, I find myself belittling my need to take it easier by showcasing what I was able to push through and do. How heinous!

I just said it took me two days of laying in bed to recover, yet I’m using my ability to do it at all as evidence that I’m fine and should act like it.

God, being a human is a trip!

I’m also a week behind in school due to moving exhaustion.

Again and again I remind myself that I need to tune into my body and listen to it like an animal I love. Time and again I hear myself give this advice and hold strong to the list of things I want to do, often accomplishing them.

And the truth is, I push myself because where else will I get this time to pursue the things so close to my heart? Nothing in life is set up to give it to me.

I must carve time for my creativity like a beautiful wooden chest that can be opened day after day after day. So I do "too much" most of the time, and I am mostly happy that I do, and I need to surrender to my animal self more.

This Month’s Goals

Moving totally threw my routines and rhythms off. Most of my goals this month are about establishing new routines.

Get Back to Waking Up by 6am

I love working on school before work or getting some movement in. But in order to do this, I need to get my sleep schedule back on track. If I give myself the month to gradually walk myself back, it will be a lot easier.

Research Substack and Decide Whether to Add New Channel

So far, my only KPI for this newsletter has been, “did I meet the deadline?” To which I’ve been able to proudly say, “yes!” for a full half of a year.

My initial commitment to this newsletter is one newsletter a month for one year.

Something about the levity of giving myself an out if I don't want to keep writing it has made it easier to keep writing it.

I’ve even started to become…proud of it.

Proud of the consistency, proud of the quality of writing, and extremely excited when a new subscriber walks through the door.

This confidence in my work and consistency convinced me to start creating social content to share around the same time as the newsletter. This is my second month successfully accomplishing this task.

But I generally see social media as a tool for connecting with an audience, rather than a place to gain new and connect with current newsletter subscribers (although quite a few of you are from social media and I thank you!).

Substack offers significant in-platform discovery tools that would allow me to attract an audience directly and without repurposing this content in a new format.

Sign Up to The Gym Down the Street

I’m all-clear after surgery (seven weeks post-op!) and excited to get into weightlifting again for the first time in nearly six years (what is time; omg).

To start, my goal is similar to the one I have for this newsletter:

Did I show up? Great! I did it.

Everything else from there gets to be a fun journey that I choose without bigger expectations, until I am comfortable with the task of simply showing up.

—

Your turn. Take a moment to write down your goals for the next month. If any goal feels punitive, change it. Continue to let fun be your compass and choose the direction you want to walk in.

*No pressure to share ever. But if you like the passive accountability, know that your email will join a private inbox for eternity. I will never share your reply.

Things I Love

• Rattle’s Annual Poetry Prize: $15,000 for a Single Poem; $500 to Finalists
• Everywhere Is Queer Map: LGTBQIA+ welcoming spaces all over the world
• The Phantom Tollbooth: I’m revisiting this classic book from my childhood

As always, thank you for reading.
With love and badassery,

Conner Carey